Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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