watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
