Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
