what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
