Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
