he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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