I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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