I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
