I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
