Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
as a side note pls kill me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
