this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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