I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
