I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
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In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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