Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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