How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
