I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
