I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
