So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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