I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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