I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
