I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
