the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
