If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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