I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize