windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
