Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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