So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
