I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
