so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
