remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
