can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
