Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
