Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
