omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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