So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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