If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
