I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
