Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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