Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
