you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
