she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
time to smoke my breakfast
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
