Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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