He passed out mid-signature
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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