I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
