everyone is single if you try hard enough
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
