She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
