i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
