gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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