At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
