Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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