i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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