I'm lost and stupid without you.
She's JV to your varsity
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
