She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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