she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
