sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
