Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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