DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
