I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to calm my uterus...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
