What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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