If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
